How Women Should Talk

Women shouldn’t talk too high. It’s a documented fact that that annoys some people. They sound like little girls. But they also shouldn’t talk too low. That’s weird. Then they sound like men. They shouldn’t sound like men. Be neither a chihuaua nor a St. Bernard, ladies, aim for the beagle range. But then again, dogs are good boys, so don’t talk like a dog at all, women, we hate it when you try to take things from us, like dogs who are all male.

Women should not upspeak. They should not downspeak either. They should middlespeak only. You know, like Siri? She’s so helpful. Of course, when you middlespeak, you are boring. Which is why women all sound boring. You should try to not sound boring. But again, do not modulate your pitch in any way. Sirens do that, and we don’t like sirens. That’s why we named them after women who scream at men to death. You’d all like to do that, wouldn’t you?

Do not say like. DO NOT say like. I hear it all the time, and I don’t like it. Yes, I know, I just said like, but I’m allowed to. Like is a word displeasing to our ears. Even when women aren’t saying it, you know they want to be saying it. It sounds like they say it all the time. They say it almost like they’re trying to finish a thought without being spoken over. It’s paranoid. It’s childish. Maybe if they were more interesting when they talk, they wouldn’t get spoken over. I bet if they said like less, men would all start listening. As long as they were interesting women, and not boring women.

Speaking of topics, women should not say crude things. I hear women comedians and they all just talk about their vaginas and having sex with guys. It’s because they’re not funny. That’s why they do that. They claim it’s because they have vaginas, and sex with guys, and like talking about it on stage, but we know they just want to sound like guys do. It doesn’t work, ladies, we know you don’t really have those things and do that. Maybe try to talk about dishwashing.

But don’t talk about dishwashing, because that’s not funny. It’s stupid you’d even suggest that as a topic. If you get an HBO special where you tell jokes about dishwashing, it’s pandering to the wokeists, because no one wants to hear about dishwashing or finds it funny. People just claim to find it funny because they’re feminists. And it’s usually women who say they like it, not real critics. It’s not relatable to me, a guy, and you should relate to me. Maybe talk about something sexy.

But not too sexy. You understand, I want you to be exactly sexy enough when you talk that I find it sexy, but not so much that I’m turned on. Because if I get turned on, it’s your fault for trying to seduce me. Then it’s your fault you won’t fuck me, because why would you have turned me on otherwise? Please stop talking about sex, but don’t talk about other things, but talk a little about sex, but mostly just actually have sex with me. That’s what we both really want, isn’t it? That’s why you’re talking to me at all?

I’m just trying to help you. I’m just trying to make you less annoying to me. That will help you, because everyone else probably feels the way I do. About your voice, and what you say, and why you should stop.